Wake me up from this NIGHTMARE!

 I don’t wanna’ fall...

What’s wrong with me? And why the fcuk am I writing in english all the time nowadays?! Som om svenska inte dög längre...

I think I know the answer but I have no idea how to turn it right. Ok, here’s the deal :

To be real, I feel completely stupid for done the lazy choise to NOT study Physics B NOW. I´ve allready read 50 out of 150 points so why the he-l should I stop now? I´m sorry for dwell on this decisions I´m constantly have talked about the last week or so but... it’s really important because it’s about my future for the next TWO YEARS we’re talking about here(!!!) And THAT’s a big deal folks! I should really study HARD WITH PHYSICS B and not focus on anything else but school, but I don’t know why I just cant do it... it’s just so hard. I can study all the other subjects but Physics is a nightmare for me, it’s a subject I really hate, deeply. Not utterly, but extremely because I never got good grades in it at tests... Always between 2-3+ (g- till g+) never more, but sometimes even less! How miserable I feel. It’s not that I´m not study it, it´s just that I find it hard to understand the material in the book sometimes. I must go in for it to make it, but sometimes I don’t even got time to lay on physics... and when it goes bad on a test, I feel like there’s a barrier inside me to study physics - just because it’s so hard for me to solve a physical problem because it requires so much calculation with different and sometimes difficult formulas. I don’t know but... maybe one day, in spring 2009 on KOMVUX, if I decide to do something with natural sience - I´ll manage better with Physic B, and perhaps, start to love it. Because I have a dream...

But what on earth can I do besides that during that sabbatical? I hate work for "slave-money", but that is what’s going to happend if I will read physics later... and WHAT AM I THINKING when I said ( in my last contribution, see below ) when I thought I could take driving licence - classes? It costs 400kr/40min, or in a smaller scale : 10 kr / MIN! I´ve never drived a car in my whole life and I´m allready 18 and a half years old! If I would learn everything on a traffic-school - then I would have to take maaany classes which could go up to high costs like, 20.000-25.000kr or so... BUT if I will working and saveing some money for a driving license -  I must feel that I´m investing in my life and future... I must be positve!

The second problem that I have difficulties with right now - is my longing after English - how weird isn’t that? I mean, ofcourse I see movies on english but I just kind of missing something in my life now... that I´ve always had each schoolweek since I was eight. That’s right folks, you´ve guessed right again! E-N-G-L-I-S-H. Maybe I should´ve taken CAMBRIDGE Certificate which is 100 p / ½ year. That means I got to be fast to make it through in the course because it’s so hard. But IF I would´ve taken it, then I wouldn´t have to go on evening-courses next spring term 08. But now, when I don’t have any English courses - I feel empty and also stuck in my allready maden choise. I guess it’s too late to change this now...or is it?

The third issue is my weird dreams! Lately, I´ve been dreaming the strangest things ever! Ok, one dream was kind of pleasant. It was one of the nice quys in school and me in a beautiful delightful place without time or space and what happened there I leave for your imagination haha... the following day I met the guy in school, I think I blushed a little, if you would´ve dreamt my dream - you would´ve understand ;) 

But the rest dreams, god, please tell me they were fake!? I dreamt that some idiot tried to hit/kill me and that I told my mum I was really scared - but then I saw that the policemen who took the criminal on bare deed. And I also remember a dream about Physics B, and that my future wasn’t looking so great in the dream... There’s also other dreams but I don’t want to go in and dig deeply in them for now...

Let me summarize all this text in simply one quote:

"Never suffer youth to be an excuse for inadequacy, nor age and fame to be an excuse for indolence".      - Benjamin Robert Haydon