Gentleman Snyggó

En evighet senare sitter jag här, klockan 3 en söndag: bänkad framför MSN och snackar med Snyggó. Min passion till denne unge man har svalnat för länge sedan a.k.a. glöden dött ut: men det skäker mig ro i min lilla själ att se att han är vid liv, i god form - på andra sidan jordklotet.

När vi blir kära faller vi bara för oss själva. Först när man älskar sig själv är man redo att älskas - ge och ta, villkorslöst. I’ve done it. Bara för att man inte sett en person på år(?) betyder det inte att bandet är brutet. När man återser denna är det som om n0ll sekunder förflytit: man är samma person, fast i ett äldre skal och med fler erfarenheter i bagaget, mer saker att tala om. En vacker dag kommer Snyggó hem - då ska vi ta igen...

Tankar utan dess like

Elektronisk överförning där det gränslösa språket är fast i ett nötskal - that’s how we do it. Busenkelt med vissa - omöjligt med andra, allt beroende av personen. Jag föredrar den utåtriktade odryga kloka typen att interagera med; finn mig då skrattande när ihopkomponerade ord X-mil bort snuddar min pupill, går rakt in i sinnet för att beordra mig att le. En kemiskt magisk process stenåldersmänniskan hade sett ut som ett frågetecken inför. What if, vad om vi kunde föra henne hit, visa hur långt tekniken kommit - och vi förstört planeten? Allmänbildning att inte hinna lära om så under en livstid. Vad är våra max 120 människoår mot 1000, eller 1000000? Så kort livet är, så låt oss leva det till fullo - men inte här.

Detta inlägg återfinns på min blogg "Be Wise!" (skall ta bort det härifrån).

Unlock my chains

Release my soul's heart, because I’m not able to convince myself: that I’m better off without you! It’s perfectly clear that my love’s not what you deserve. Anything that you do - I see myself accept but I should’ve reject! And I don’t recognize what I’ve turned into: somebody oldish, not shining new as I supposed to... I don’t know why I want you to love me so bad, but I don’t need another heartbreak! I don’t know what addictive hold you have on me I can’t shake, but I’m not in control. Please, let me go!

You act like it’s impossible to see my wonderful inner beauty, but you didn’t even try at all! Why am I the only one who gives the most all the time?You never can admit the truth - trying to laugh it off, you say I’m a silly girl. But you just don’t understand how much energy and heart I’ve put into you to make it work - what more than my best can you ask for?
The tables are turning now. I’m the one that’s gonna make it; wait and see - but there will be no more tears over you, beause I’m a champion, so much stronger than I was before! Finally taking hold of my life. I’m through with all the pain. No more drowning in the rain. I’m free to be who I am. This time I’am moving on. 2009 is my damn year, not yours. I’ll prove it.

He can see the emotion, in my eyes, that I try, not to show

Two souls on fire: lost their love not to one another but to heartless snakes undercover. While decades disappear like sinking ships as hope fades to a dusty fairytale, and the fear enlarges cuz nothing is assured.

The mind is a poison-castle in the sky, while we’re chained, watching the draw bridge closing! Were the dreams roll high. Were the wind don’t blow - out here the good girls die. The sky won’t snow. And the emotions won’t show. Out here every guy lies. Out here the bird don’t sing. Out here the field don’t grow. Out here the bell don’t ring. Out here we’re only aging.

As a cinderella I can’t you go to sleep - its such a bitter form of refuge, cuz’ all the kingdoms are under siege, everybody needs me, while there’s no magic in the midnight sun, cuz’ I left it back in Mars month - in the cadence of one young man’s eyes - were the dreams rolled high.

There are days when outside, passing a window, I see my reflection, and I long for that mirrored perspective of when we’d be together at last. You shoulda’ spend more time with me, Love. I promise you’d find strong love. I would possess your heart! But I wasn’t allowed by the destiny to...

Life goes easy on me, most of the time. And so it is: The shorter story - no love, no glory. No hero in my sky. I can’t take my eyes off of you. But we’ll both forget the warm breeze, the colder water and the pupil in denial.

Did I say that I loathe you?

Did I say that I want to leave it all behind?

I can’t take my mind off of you, until I find somebody new.

Wise

För er som inte hängt med så har jag expanderat med en visdomhest-blogg för ett tag sen ;) Tipsa gärna om vad ni vill den ska innehålla mer av!

BE WISE! - Wisdom at it’s best

There's really now way to reach me

I don’t just write about my days. I make pieces of art here; creating history on the thin sheets of internet where I use my knowledge and mind as tools, and keep my cool when I’m not running errands or am at school - note that this isn’t a usual blog. You’ll never get to know how one day of mine can really look like, not even close, because I’m ALWAYS one or several steps ahead, noone of you can catch me. What I do at this blog is what I call A CREATIVE BRAINSTORM. I make you SEE what I see though the colours and pictures and HEAR, FEEL and TASTE what I do, through my written words! Discover how all your senses connect at the very same time & the texts goes straight into your hearts & mind as you’re reading my blog! This is a goldmine, not empty words of sand.

GOOD MORNING LIFE!

Never gave in!
Never gave up!
I’m the only thing I’m afraid of!

And no matter what -
you’ll never take that from me, because
my reign is as far as your eyes can see.

They like: "oh god!
why do you go so hard? Look what she’s been through 
She deserves an applause"

---

DEAR DESTINY,

GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT.

THE THINGS THAT I CANNOT CHANGE,

THE COURAGE TO CHANGE

THE THINGS THAT I CAN,

AND THE WISDOM TO UNDERSTAND

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO.

Suddenly my mind screamed: "I WANT MORE LIFE" - and I begun a hard duel battle against myself. Yesterday I hadn’t slept the WHOLE NIGHT - not even got to bed, because I had too much stuff to sort out, too many tears which had to vaporize from my chin to fitting music. But I still "made the day"! Started doing what I supposed to: going to school, cleaned up home, wrote a test, helped my family, called friends, run errands etc. How could I get so strong when I was weak mentally, physically & emotionally? It wasn’t a choice. I forced myself to do the right things.

Somehow, I found the strength in the weakness. I turned my fear into courage to fight for myself, and the future. I had to put myself out from my comfortable shell into the danger zone where I dared to face the fear.

You see, it’s not an easy thing to do when you feel extremely worn and torn apart. The devil’s body in me screams: give up but the angel’s mind: try! Which ones do you think I listened to before and after?

I fly started; changed my patterns: letting the destructive bad habits go, the hard but in the end good-ones in, to expand. And this - Straight away!

I’m doing it for my family and friends, because if I’m not then I’ll lay in bed 24/7, isolated, until I’d faced death. And I RESIST to cause that pain to them because I know how it hurts, I’ve experienced it a long time now...

Depression is such a grave "disease". I have it under my skin, but it’s not showing on the surface. Only when you look straight into my eyes you can see a damaged soul. But there is hope. I’ll fight for my right and get stronger out of these "bad things" which have happened to me.

Seems like streetlights glowing, happened to be just like moments passing, in front of me so I hopped in, the cab and I paid my fair, see 
I know my, destination - but I’m just not there. Life’s just not fair.

I’M A CHAMPION!

He dosn't know that I love him - but it's allright, it's okey I'm gonna make it though anyway ...and find a better day

When I pass a mirror I catch a glimpse of him, but it’s only an illusion cuz of that we have the same features. And when I walk downtown I think I see him in every guy who has a detail which reminds me of him. But no one have his unique voice: this fresh deep elegant one. To be honest: he doesn’t even know that I love him (such as my: missing, longing, craving, tears and pain). The mind tells me to let go, but my heart to fight more (!)

When you loose a camaraderie you can't replace

Mrs. Deceitful, is that you? With a spiky tongue with an ignorance of ice. You said the mad side in yourself was 1 % but I recognize that as 99 % now. She manipulate and hypnotize you as fast as she can, so you’ll take a caravan instead of a taxi somewhere - that’s how bad it can be.

What’s up with your silky words called: Darling, mate, CLOSE FRIEND!? As if we should pretend, that what we had was a good enough to last. Now, there’s not a single signal so we haven’t made it this far, it’s as if you’ve started playing the guitar and thrown our camaraderie down the drain. Remember why? Because you found a "Guy so fly with all his friends you had to meet, develop a friendship with and come by" - and forgot what we were, as if you two will stick together forever, happily ever after. When only a friendship of gold can keep that long truely.

When I had a rough time you freaked out while I stood by you when your tears fell, never letting you drop – as deep as I did. Isn’t it funny how people who get caught up in some hard time around them scare others away MORE than a murderer? That’s why I never show my deep inside to strangers/people who doesn’t really know me - but you made me open up more than you were honest to me, is that how it shall be? I’m not blaming you, it’s just sad when a friendship ends - a fact I might accept in time.

My ex friend, ex. Classmate, ex-future-becoming-bridesmaid - why did it had to get like this? I’d stop it if I could, I’d showed up with your favourite orange chocolate, not to win your friendship over but show that I thought about you. Dear, I miss our moments; laughing, glittering eyes, hugs, long talks, understandings. Sometimes I’m passing your house while I’m exercising... the lights are shining, but I don’t know them anymore.

Somewhere inside of me I knew that our roads would separate after high-school, it’s sad but not even the strongest force in the world can hold a friendship together - only if both in it find something within one another to hold on to, keep it going.... Why couldn’t we just hold on? Damn, I keep thinking "Nothing is ever too late" - but to save US is, now.

HEARTBREAK

Heyhey heyhey. Why would he make calls out of the blue? Now I’m awake, sleepless to you. He’s so fly: crashlands in my room. Can’t waste no time, he might leave soon. Heyhey heyhey don’t say you will, unless that you will, BUT YOU DO. When he grabbed my neck he touched my soul. Take off your cool and lose control...  I wished this words would barely came true: I’m crazy because I admit that I still fantasize about you. Goodbye my friend, will I ever love again ?

Didn’t you know I was waiting on you? Waiting on a dream that’ll never come true. Didn’t you know I was waiting on you!? My face turned to stone when i heard the news. When you decide to break the rules. Cos’ i just heard some real bad news(!)

People will talk. Like its old news. I played it off and act like I already knew. Let me ask you:  how long have you known too? You played it off and act like she’s brand new.

Oh you just gonna: keep another no you wont, keep it like you never knew - while I waited on a dream that’ll never come true. Oh, you’ll just keep another love for you. My face turned to stone – when I heard the news. Whats on the news channel? You with another...

On lonely nights I start to fade. His love a thousand miles away. It’s 4 AM and I can’t sleep. His love is all that I can see. If spring can take the snow away – can it melt away all our mistakes? Goodbye my friend, I will NEVER love again, never again. Memories made in the coldest winter.

I got my life and its my only one. I got the night, I’m running from the sun. So goodnight, I made it out the door. After tonight, there will be no return. After tonight, I’m taking off on the road. I’m taking off on the road.

Baby boy I’m finished. I thought we were cemented. How I thought we meant it.  Now we’re forgetting. Now we just resenting. The clouds in my vision. Look how high I be getting. And it`s all because of you. Boy we’re through. You think your shit don`t stink but you are Mr. P-U.  And I don`t see you with me no more.  Now tell everybody that you know !

I’m cold. I got the right to put up the fight but not quite cause you cut off the light. I might see you in my nightmares - oh how do you get there(?), cause we were once a fairytale, but THIS is fair-well.

Tell everybody that you know that I don’t love you no more (!)

I'm so sick of lovesongs and neverending tears

I was going to a party but I had no one to go with so I showed up late and had to leave before they even cut the cake, welcome to heartbreak. 

How much more can I take? Is there any tears left in me? Seems like it, cause I’m crying now.  Does this heartbreak want to kill me? Probably.

I’m so fed up with having tears pouring down my face, still I can’t turn off that base... with the music which reminds me of him, us, this shit.

I just want to forget it. Throw a cocconut in my head someone, PLEASE - so I’ll forget that he even existed in my life, and stole a huge part of it.

I got constant headache, my eyes are red, my heart have melt. I can’t look back but not look forward either, because he’ve made me a coward. 

Every night I cry myself to sleep, trying to figure out a solution, but I can’t find anyone. In dreams I see what could´ve been, but it’ll never come true.

Break free

Det är en synd att vi i detta samhälle har lärt oss att dömma folk efter vad de äger istället för vad de är. Allt är yta, och få ser igenom den. Människor är redo att sälja sin själ, fuska och stjäla - för pengar. Om man slår igenom, kan han köpa respekt. Bära de rätta kläderna, köra rätt bil, ha rätt vänner. Allt det där spelar roll. Våra liv är konsumerade av det själviska, självabsorberade sökandet efter egendom: det senaste och bästa av allting i en ändlös cykel tills vi dör. Vi glömmer vad det betyder att vara en sann människa. Vi glömmer saker som verkligen betyder något. Vi förlorar magiken av vad livet borde vara. Många lyckas genom deras kunskap, andra genom vad de gör och få genom vad de är. Jag tänker inte leva bakom regler som inte har någon betydelse för mig...

Polerad slipad diamant

En surrealistisk visuell känsla böjer sig över samtalen bakom väggen som osar av inväntan. Sneluggen döljer det ena blågröna ögat som ger ansiktet karaktär. En dörr öppnas och välbekanta ögon möts. Ett besök om året i 15 nu och enbart handskakning varje gång – som om man vore kompletta främlingar, trots att han sett henne vuxit upp. From a little girl to young lady. Stolens plats intages. En figur uppenbarar sig med ett förkläde som försvinner mot den vita väggen bakom hennes före detta kompis mamma till medhjälperska. Blicken vandrar upp mot taket hon en gång såg med barnaögon. Han skrapar metall mot hennes elfenben och samma ord som år ut och in hörs, uttalas: ”Bit ihop. Sådär ja, du har en helt otroligt perfekt naturlig tandstallning och vita tänder, inga hål”. Nästa år är hon 20 och ska betala för sitt besök, stå på egna ben. När hon går hör hon hennes före detta kompis mamma prata om hur hennes dotter uppträdde på scen med denna unga dam då de var bästa kompisar, förr...